Obsessive thinking–I’ve gotten slightly better at letting things go and not getting into that loop of doom that is obsessive thought, but it’s hard at times. When he gets home later than expected, when communication is rocky, when he seems aloof, I wonder if alcohol is behind it. I start to worry about what he might be hiding and try hard to remember what the Serenity Prayer teaches me and what Step 1 teaches me. The later it gets with him still not home, the less the Serenity Prayer sticks and the more likely I am to launch into my checking of past hiding spots. Perhaps there are new spots: I’ll check in new places. What if he keeps things in his car? What if he is drinking right now? What if he drives? Worry becomes fear. My grasp of “accepting what I cannot change” gets thinner the more I allow myself to obsess.
I don’t like how I become when obsessive thinking sets in. The insecure and therefore controlling bitch comes out, making demands in an effort to immediately order the return of stability. Never works. Just makes things worse, and I still struggle to stop that need to control. It’s born out of fear that everything will revert back to the hell it was.
Obsessive thinking and fear are like two hamsters on my unhealthy wheel of a brain. More often than not these days, my husband comes home after being out later than I expected and is obviously not intoxicated, has legit reasons why he didn’t come home right when I thought he would, is irritated that I am once again, interrogating him as though he were plotting against me. My obsessing never improves our conversations; on the contrary, it stresses both of us out, and I know it does, and still have a hard time stopping. Serenity. Courage. Wisdom. I wish I were stronger.
Al-Anon stresses the importance of taking care of yourself first, and it is one of those things that sounds simple but is, in actuality, difficult to practice. One of the most useful shares I have heard is the idea that fear is a warning sign that one isn’t putting enough trust, enough faith, in their higher power. Yep, I need to pay attention to Step 2. Newcomer here, still taking it day by day.