Obsessive Thinking and Fear

Obsessive thinking–I’ve gotten slightly better at letting things go and not getting into that loop of doom that is obsessive thought, but it’s hard at times. When he gets home later than expected, when communication is rocky, when he seems aloof, I wonder if alcohol is behind it. I start to worry about what he might be hiding and try hard to remember what the Serenity Prayer teaches me and what Step 1 teaches me. The later it gets with him still not home, the less the Serenity Prayer sticks and the more likely I am to launch into my checking of past hiding spots. Perhaps there are new spots: I’ll check in new places. What if he keeps things in his car? What if he is drinking right now? What if he drives? Worry becomes fear. My grasp of “accepting what I cannot change” gets thinner the more I allow myself to obsess.

I don’t like how I become when obsessive thinking sets in. The insecure and therefore controlling bitch comes out, making demands in an effort to immediately order the return of stability. Never works. Just makes things worse, and I still struggle to stop that need to control. It’s born out of fear that everything will revert back to the hell it was.

Obsessive thinking and fear are like two hamsters on my unhealthy wheel of a brain. More often than not these days, my husband comes home after being out later than I expected and is obviously not intoxicated, has legit reasons why he didn’t come home right when I thought he would, is irritated that I am once again, interrogating him as though he were plotting against me. My obsessing never improves our conversations; on the contrary, it stresses both of us out, and I know it does, and still have a hard time stopping. Serenity. Courage. Wisdom. I wish I were stronger.

Al-Anon stresses the importance of taking care of yourself first, and it is one of those things that sounds simple but is, in actuality, difficult to practice. One of the most useful shares I have heard is the idea that fear is a warning sign that one isn’t putting enough trust, enough faith, in their higher power. Yep, I need to pay attention to Step 2. Newcomer here, still taking it day by day.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Obsessive Thinking and Fear

  1. What an honest post. I feel that if we are to help ourselves, it is best if we are honest even if it is ugly. Then, and only then will it begin to help us. Al-Anon is wonderful, the 12 Steps take work. Most people do not realize how hard it actually is to work the steps. No one said it would be easy and we of all people know life ain’t easy. I, too, worry and obsess if the qualifier is gone for more than WE think they should be. But should they really be on our time? Would we like to be on their time? Questions follow more questions, more things to ponder and obsess about. *Sighs*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can do the honesty, it’s the constantly working the steps that I am getting the hang of. Heheh. I love lists, and marking things off, and this is a list that I really want to make sure I “get” before I cross things off, but just because they get crossed off doesn’t mean they are ever done. It took me weeks to feel comfortable with Step 1, and I honestly haven’t gotten around to sitting and thinking on Step 2, though that isn’t one I anticipate having too hard a time with.

      And hell no, I’d never want to be on someone else’s time. I try not to let the bitchy voice come out and point to the past history of lies. Trying to view that as the disease, and not as my husband. So much to work on. Thanks for your comment!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It is very hard to distinguish the two – the disease and your husband. One day mine can be just the man every woman wants in their life to the beast that no one ever would want to meet. He can be so verbal and NASTY with words. If his words could kill….

        Liked by 1 person

      2. The first night we realized it was alcoholism, I spent hours online reading what I could find. The idea that it had been his disease that was making him so unrecognizable–it felt both ridiculous and relieving. At first I was angry as hell because it felt like the disease was an excuse for every assholish thing he’d said and done. But the more I understood it, it made sense. There were many times during our fights where I just couldn’t understand how he had changed so much. He’d lost reason, he wouldn’t consider my side at all, he was a pure, raging asshole. Not who I married. That was the disease. Now that he’s sober, I recognize him again. He can have assholish moments sober (as can anyone), but it isn’t from that blind anger. The disease has a separate agenda. It wants to be fed and it will do anything to convince its person that a drink is the right way to go. I really, really hate this damn disease.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Agreed 100% ! I hear you newcomer12, that is for sure! I, too, was angry and started to think that my qualifier would use the alcoholism as a disease as an excuse for doing stupid things. He still will say very nasty things to me and then cry later and apologize. It gets very old.

        Like

      4. I have to work on step one just about every day. I am probably one of the slowest learners out there. LOL

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s