Ugly Surprise

I was emptying the trash into our outside bin just now and what do I find but a can of beer stuffed into one of his brown bag lunches that he just tossed. And we’ve been doing well. Ugly, ugly thing. How strange that when I see you, you now represent an absolutely unwelcome guest, something that I would gladly kill so that I wouldn’t have to see you again. And because of my program, I have more calm and clarity now than I did before, and I don’t transfer my anger and sadness to the alcoholic. But my heart still drops to the ground. I still feel some kind of defeat.

Just last night I went out with one of my girlfriends and had a beer for the first time in three months. The restaurant we went to carried my favorite kind, and I hadn’t drank in so long in support of my husband’s sobriety. That amber in that cold glass was so so good. I only drank half the pint and stopped because well, that’s all it takes and I don’t need more. Beautiful beer in a cold glass. But when it shows up in or around my house, it is nothing but a threat. It’s a reminder that we are still fighting this thing I can’t easily see, especially when it has its hooks in my husband and makes him lie, quietly, and expertly. I hate that empty can in my trash outside. But I love my husband. Will bring this up softly tonight and see how deep the hooks are embedded. I know that I’ll be able to tell very quickly by his response. Good times. One day at a fucking time.


7 thoughts on “Ugly Surprise

  1. Oh I feel for you.
    I’ve not been with an active alcoholic but p*rn addict, yes, and SERIOUSLY Dry Drunk, yes. I’m impressed with your ability to think it through, almost as much as I’m BAFFLED by your nonchalant description of having only “half a pint”… 🙂 Even after so many years away from a drink, I honestly cannot comprehend leaving a half a drink. I suppose it’s a good thing for you to know: I still haven’t had a drink or drug in over 2 decades. The thinking will always be somewhat skewed, but the 12 steps and following directions have allowed me to avoid putting my thinking to the test.
    Sorry your hubby is having a hard time. You’re doing your job, it sounds like. Keep up the good work. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, abbiegrrl, but it doesn’t feel like a good job. Things have been really difficult lately, and I’ve been trying to apply what I’ve learned, but he’s kept pushing some buttons and after awhile, I just jump right in. So so exhausting. It is so inspirational to hear you and others talk about so many years of sobriety. I am not sure how much of this roller coaster ride I want to take.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I can understand that. The thing is, just some food for thought, if you get off of this particular merry-go-round, you’re going to find that the next man in your life will be the same, only a different face.
        (Disclaimer: sometimes a separation isn’t a bad thing)
        Or, as an old friend of mine used to say “better to keep the old a****** than to have to start all over again, training a new one.”
        Just stay in today, sweety. Don’t let the disease make your marriage another casualty. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’ve definitely thought about what you said. I know the grass is not always greener, and there will just be different challenges rather than none. I also think that if divorce ever happened, I would not really need another man. There is no actual need for one. Heheh. I know I am capable of, and have preferred, even, being on my own.

        Thank you for reminding me about staying in for the day. I was getting ahead of myself and worrying about all those things I have no control over. I’ve got today. I just need to remember to turn things over to my higher power. I don’t do it nearly enough, and end up trying to control.

        I really appreciate your input, as always!!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thank you. My husband teases me about having “unresolved control issues”. Both of us being ex-addicts tells me that maybe I’m not the only one. Ha ha
        I’m very glad that I’ve been some help. ☺

        Liked by 1 person

  2. “It’s a reminder that we are still fighting this thing I can’t easily see, especially when it has its hooks in my husband and makes him lie, quietly, and expertly.” Oh how painfully I identify with this. My husband is hooked on porn and lying is a way of life for him. I hate the porn, sometimes I hate him; but I love him and made vows to do so as long as we both shall live, in sickness and in health.

    God help us.


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