Vodka, 1. Santa, 0.

Alcohol won tonight over family night and Christmas lights. Somewhere between helping out a friend the first half of the day and attending a Christmas celebration tonight, my husband decided to ditch recovery. “I’m going to get some chapstick from the car,” he said, while we sat and waited our turn for a Santa picture. My daughter wanted to walk around outside instead of waiting, so we followed shortly after him. He had the trunk open and was digging through his storage bin with his infamous stainless steel mug in front of him. I’d wondered what happened to that mug.

“Having a drink?” I asked somewhat casually. His immediate reaction was to sheepishly say, “No, no I’m not drinking.” Hello, liar. Even caught in the act, alcohol makes him lie. I hate that part. Will he ever be able to admit it?

We headed home early. There was no fighting, nor was there conversation. When we got home, he dropped us off and said he was heading back out to find a meeting. Who knows if he’ll make it to the meeting or stop and tend to the vodka hiding in his trunk. I am thankful to my program to not be obsessing over that part, which I have absolutely no control over.

What I do think about is how I know I cannot stay with an active alcoholic. I equate active alcoholism with nonstop lies, instability, and complete assholishness. Yes, I have my program, and I have choices. I love my husband. I love how hardworking he is, and how hot he is. I love how he makes so much effort for us. I choose him for as long as he is committed to recovery. I do not choose the active alcoholic and the liar.

Having trouble understanding what this all is. Is it considered a relapse if he’s been drinking on the sly for awhile? Is it still considered recovery? And I know these are all ultimately words, and figuring it out is not a step. I hate this disease. Tired.